Grace

Grace is not something that I am good at.

When I woke up this morning I tried to concentrate on the positive, to start the day ready to take on the world, or at least the housework and baby.

But, truth be told, I was warm, cozy, and had been in the middle of a very realistic, good dream. I told myself I was thankful to wake up, and thankful that Zamara was awake, because of course I'd worry if she wasn't making noise like usual. And we started the day.

At noon hubby was lolling about unshowered and heading off to his computer. I was stripping the bed and doing the laundry. I told myself I was thankful that we have a comfortable bed and enough bed linen that I don't need to worry about getting everything dry on the same day.

At two o' clock, when hubby asked why I couldn't wait until Z had woken up from her nap to go out (and thus making him look after her) I told myself I was thankful that I was in a steady relationship with my daughter's husband. I told myself I was thankful I had the choice.

At five 'o clock, when Z was shrieking (happy but loud) and I had a splitting headache I told myself that I was thankful that we live so close to our inlaws. I told myself I was thankful we have a good relationship and thankful they enjoy looking after her as needed.

At six thirty as I was making Z's dinner while hubby played computer games I told myself I was thankful to have enough food to feed my daughter and thankful to have the skills and ability in which to do it.

At seven thirty when hubby offered to pop to the grocery store for a few essentials like milk and eggs I told myself I was thankful that we had the money for the couple items and transport to get there and back. I told myself I was thankful we lived in a metro area where going to the supermarket after seven o' clock on a weekend is second nature.

At eight thirty when hubby returned home and asked why hadn't I started dinner I told myself I was thankful he'd arrived home safely.

At nine, as dinner baked in the oven, hubby played computer games, and I cleaned up the kitchen I admit that I grumbled to myself. Just a little bit.

At ten, as I sat down at my computer to eat my dinner and hubby moved from his computer to in front of the television and said "you're on the computer again?" I admit I grumbled. Perhaps aloud.

So now it is eleven o' clock. Hubby is asleep in front of the television. I have cleaned up the dinner plates, loaded and started the dishes, collected the recycling and wiped down the kitchen work surfaces.

And I'm thinking that I'm really not very good at grace at all.

I need to work less on telling myself that I am thankful and more on being thankful.

Change of Perspective

Today I went to a Kid's Cafe, which is a community project being run in order to give parents a spot of relief a couple times a week - the parents relax with a coffee whilst the kids can participate in an organised activity. Zamara's not old enough to get any benefit from the activity, so it was largely just like playgroup for us. I sat and knit while Zamara played. Afterwards, I decided that since we were out, I was hungry, and Zee was still in a decent mood, that we'd go to Ark, a local cafe run as a 'parents cafe' with decent food for both adults and kids, and a very child friendly atmosphere with lots of things to keep them occupied whilst the parents relax. All in all, much the same idea as the first, but with a different motivation (making money!)

When I arrived, there were a couple coffee groups just finishing up. All of them had younger babies than Zee, and nearly all of them were kitted out. There were Mountain Buggies left right and centre, with designer nappy bags and plush toys dotting everything, including for newborns that looked too young to get any benefit from toys yet. And as I sat there, alone with Zee, with a nappy bag still dotted with spilled food I haven't gotten around to cleaning and a daughter in second hand clothes, the only thing I could see was everything I didn't have. Mountain Buggies are the SUVs of prams, in every way. They're a status symbol that aren't symbolic of true status, just 'the look'. They're not a sports car, nor the best performing on the market, nor anywhere near the most expensive. But they're the ones that are touted in a public display of affluenza. And I don't have one.

But as the day progressed, I realised that I'd had it all wrong. I am not envious. I don't want what they have, for I am grateful for me.

I am grateful that I have learned the art of babywearing, so that I always have Zee close to me and near eye level. We can experience things together and easily bounce our joy off of each other.

I am grateful that I was able to eat a wholesome meal and pay for it with money in the bank.

I am grateful that I have a solid, reliable car to transport me wherever I need to go.

I am grateful that I have a smiley, cheery, easy going baby that loves going out with her mommy and experiencing new people, new situations, and new things.

I am grateful that I have a hobby that fulfills my creative need as well as allowing me to outfit myself and my family in quality clothes.

I am grateful that I have a wide support network of friends throughout the country so that wherever I happen to live in New Zealand, I will always have some friends nearby.

I am grateful that I have computers with internet so that I can communicate with these friends around the clock, and that someone is always there when I need them.

I am grateful that I have food in the cupboards and the knowledge to turn odd ingredients into tasty and wholesome food.

I am grateful for my life of abundance.

I am grateful for my body, which can transport me in small amounts, through bursts of energy, but that can also allow me to freely exercise and travel by my own methods.

I am grateful for my intelligence, that allows me to create an income whilst still staying home with my daughter and doing what I think is right.

I am grateful for my husband, who stands by me throughout, during my ups and my downs, and is a steadfast support.

I am grateful for my daughter, who everyday makes me a better person, and gives me the motivation to continually improve still more.

I am grateful for my health, which allows me to do all the things above and untold amounts more.