There's no place like Home...

In my situation - pregnant and miles away from the nearest blood relative or close friend other than my husband - I find myself, somewhat predictably, longing for the comforts of home. (Of course, craving my childhood comfort foods - ice cream, macaroni and cheese, mexican, and blueberry muffins - doesn't help ease that).

And yet, each time I slip into this longing, I find myself faced with the logic of the situation. Which is, simply put, that I and my unborn child are far better off going through the pregnancy and birth process here, in New Zealand, than we are in the USA.

New Zealand provides free maternity care for all residents, from day one of the pregnancy. The USA doesn't have an equivalent.

New Zealand (well, Auckland at least) provides up to three nights post-natal stay in a maternity ward, in order to fully recouperate and get the hang of breastfeeding and other essentials of infant care, before sending you packing. From what I know of delivery in the USA, it's not uncommon for a mother and baby (provided there were no complications) to be sent home within 24 hours of giving birth.

New Zealand provides free medical care for all children under 6. This includes all routine vaccinations, yearly check-ups, dental care, and even those 'not-sure-if-this -is-important' doctor visits. From ages 6 to 16, the same medical care is heavily subsidised, although no longer 100% free.

More vaguely, New Zealand is a very child friendly nation. The public schooling here is of high quality, though if you're more inclined, there's still plenty of private schools and homeschool programs around. Children are welcome in the majority of public places, and New Zealand as a countryside abounds with plenty of child-friendly activities that are cheap or free.

There are, of course, some trade-offs. In general, cost of living is higher in New Zealand, and salaries are lower across the board. And, even more significantly, all my near and dear are still in the USA.

Which must be the reason why, even on weighing all the above up, I know there's really no place like home. Even an imperfect home.

Second Star to the Left...

I don't want to grow up.

Let me rephrase that. Some would say I already am grown up -- at 23, with a house I at least partially own, a full time job, a husband, and a child on the way -- these are all, of course, markers of materity.

Externally, then, I bear all the signs of adulthood. Yet I feel like I'm playing an elaborate, very well executed, game of pretend, that's all about to come crashing down.

I'm nearly two thousand dollars in debt in credit alone -- not taking into account my car or student loans. I have a baby due to get here in three months and very little of the nursery bought, let alone set up. And only 3.5 more paydays left to do it with while still making my regular payments.

The amount of items I need seems to increase each time I look at the list. There's the baby bath, a change table or at least a change mat of some sort, diapers, a car seat, a baby sling for short trips, a pram/pushchair for longer trips, clothing, a mattress for our cot, a baby hammock for a baby bed the master bedroom (for the first 6 months or so), blankets, toiletries, nursing bras, nursing pads, bottles and steriliser, and of course toys. Which of course isn't taking into account the "incidental" increases in regular grocery items -- particularly in washing powder and groceries!

And while a couple of those items aren't "absolutely" needed, the majority are. I've been doing what I can looking second hand and trying to beg borrow and steal items, but I haven't had a lot of luck. Certainly I'm not the only one in this boat because the Baby Gear catergory on TradeMe is one of the ones with the highest sell-through rates - anything half decent is sold straight away, and usually for a price within 70% or so of RRP. Combine that with my entire lack of network here in New Zealand even after four years living here. I don't know anyone who has baby gear to spare, nor for that matter do I have much of a list for people to attend a baby shower, as our 'closest' friends are moving out of Auckland this coming Sunday. After that it's down to mere aquaintenances -- the type who would know that the only reason they're being invited is for the gifts they bring. I really don't want to seem that pathetic.

In short, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm still approximately three months away from giving birth and I already feel like a terrible mother.

Today It Seems Real...

As nearly anyone who's been pregnant will tell you, pregnancy inspires weird dreams. Often baby orientated, but not always -- tho the baby dreams usually have something weird going on. I know people who've dreamed that they've given birth to cats, and another that dreamed she went for her ultrasound and had a wonderfully healthy baby dragon in there. Personally I've dreamt that I've given birth to two at a time, also that I had a walking, talking, toddler-sized MiniMe straight after birth. Understandable, probably -- but very weird nonetheless.

Last night I dreamed that I had my baby. The weird thing last night was... merely that it wasn't weird. Granted, I dreamt that I went in to labour, then the next thing I knew I woke up and had my baby presented to me. Whether that means I had a c-section or simply that my mind blanked the parts it doesn't know, I don't know. I don't even really care.

What sticks with me is that I was presented with a beautiful, normal, newborn sized and newborn healthy, baby girl, swaddled up in a fuzzy pink blanket. With a full head of (newborn) dark hair.

Suddenly this all seems to very real to me. I'm going to have a baby.

"When I say you sucked my brain out....

... the English translation is that I am in love with you, and it is no fun" - ani difranco

i am married to the person i believe to be the love of my life.
i do love him madly.
i believe he feels much the same for me.
i believe he is doing his best for me and by me.

then why the hell aren't i happy?

i'm no fool of course. i know relationships take work. and certainly i try -- do what i can when i can to better the relationship. to an extent that works too, because i know he feels better about the relationship.

it's only me that's left feeling used and unloved and desperately lonely.

Forks in the road

forgive my lack of casing, i'm not feeling in a capatalistic mood tonight.

working at a recruitment agency has it's advantages and disadvantages. on the one hand, i'm confident that i could prepare a rockin' c.v. (for the US-bound, that's short for Cirriculum Vitae -- a sort of much expanded resume designed more to sell oneself than conform to any standards) for myself now, as well as at least a half decent cover letter, and probably get myself an amazingly high percentage of interviews per jobs applied for (at least for the jobs i'm qualified for). on the other hand, my job involves typing c.v.'s for other people nearly all working day, every day. it may occasionally make for interesting reading, but, at least in my case, it leads to much thinking (even brooding) about one's current place on the career ladder.

being pregnant doesn't help this. pregnancy, at least for first time mums like myself, naturally involves much future-thinking and trying to figure out where the heck i go from here.

so where do i go? the way i see it, i have four main paths open to me.

there's the obvious route of being a full time, home-based mother. undoubtedly the most noble of the options, probably also the most rewarding. there's the obvious financial disadvantage (even improbability in our case) to counter-act that, and the danger of one's voice permanently rising an octave and baby-brain taking over permanently...

continuing straight ahead on my current career route, however (and thus assuming i would enter full time employment fairly quickly after childbirth) there's the mundane, oft-trod if proven path of rising through the clerical ranks. i hover at the moment somewhere between typist and secretary depending on who's asking for what and when, but at any rate, i have proven computer / keyboarding skills and decent organisational skills. only thing i lack is vast experience, and i'm getting that now. within 3-5 years i could probably be a mid-level P.A. earning a respectable, if not glamourous, amount of pay. i think i'd enjoy the work as long as i had the right boss / team, and i'm confident i'd be good at it. of course, the very nature of the work means there's no glamour what-so-ever, little reward or recognition, a definite lack of mental stimulation, and often long hours in mediocre conditions as well. it is, quite possibly, the 'easy' road ahead. straight, relatively flat, highly travelled, but beware of driver fatigue.

veering slightly off to one side, there's the possibility of becoming a consultant for the agency -- this, or for that matter, any other agency. don't get any ideas now -- a consultant, at least for a private firm such as this, is really just a salesperson. but sales people on the whole make fairly decent money and often get some wicked perks depending on the job. that said, selling 'people' into jobs is a lot different than selling product and/or business -- and it may prove difficult to ever move on from being anything other than a recruitment consultant, and thus it's possible the road's a dead end. or at least a cul-de-sac. however, the ride there would be exciting -- high pressure and cutthroat at times but leading to a definite sense of accomplishment. the job is never the same two days in a row, there's always something to strive for (such as that high-dollar client) and things going on. it's a thinking job working with people primarily one-on-one, which is my strength. and my current admin skills, while not necessary, are quite useful nonetheless.

and finally off to the left, there's the originally-intended route of getting a B.A. and doing something with it. the problem here being, well.... what exactly that 'something' is. a b.a. has been my goal for the past four years and still i find that i have no clue what i intend to do with it. my fear is, i'd settle into a nice comfy administration job, with a nice hefty student loan and a fancy piece of paper to show for it, and yet, not be using a damn thing from it. this being n.z. and not the u.s.a., experience is still touted highly whether you have a paper to back it up or not -- a degree is not, therefore, needed for any job that doesn't involved "fries with that". with a b.a. i would qualify for at least a few more jobs than presently, but the vast majority of the one's i've seen in the past year or so don't excite me.

one of the consultants today asked one of the candidates, via phone interview, "what do you want to be doing -- what gets you out of bed in the morning?" i've been thinking about it since then and i still haven't got a clue.