Pity Party

I'm feeling sorry for myself today. I recognize that I have many many things in my life to be thankful for. But sometimes I can't help lamenting over everything else.

We are having financial difficulties at the moment. This is a combination of several factors:

1. Reduced income. I'm getting maternity leave pay but it's only about 70% of what I was getting working full time. And it runs out at the end of this month.
2. Having a baby, and the costs therein incurred. Even the little things like toiletries add up. Especially when treating the most stubborn nappy rash known to man.
3. Hubby's incestant need to upgrade the house. Granted, most of that is coming from his side of the finances - but now that we're reducing down to one primary income, his side of the finances needs to stretch a lot further. And with the amount of loans he's got out at the moment, there's virtually no flexibility.
4. Piss-poor budgeting skills and an ostritch in the sand mentality. Both of us are guilty of this but neither of us know much about what to do to change. I've been pushing for a hard and in-depth look at our finances for several months now but all I'm getting from hubby is "yeah, we should do that", but no actual commitment.
5. A champagne lifestyle but a kool-aid income.
6. Mounting debt and the costs this incurs.

So I'm having a pity party, and virtually everything I'm lamenting at the moment is tied to money.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and my family because there's no feasible way that I can get professional photographs of my daughter at this age, and for that matter can't really even afford the printed-off digital snapshots.

I regret the fact that all of Zamara's things - many of which are valued gifts - need to, by necessity, be shoved in bags and piled in cardboard boxes because we have no storage system available for her, and no money to buy even a cheap Warehouse one.

I'm sorry for myself because I can't afford the post-natal massage I promised myself I would get within the first six weeks post-partum.

I regret the fact that while we're generously being gifted a flight out to the States for Baby's First Christmas, we have no money for anything, including even daily food, while we're there, and will in fact significantly struggle to pay the standard monthly bills back here while we're there.

I'm sorry for myself because it's apparent that I will have to give up my gym membership despite the fact I've looked forward to having that "me" time that would allow me to get out of the house for a controlled and short amount of time, and to do something good for myself at the same time.

I regret the fact that it's becoming obvious that I will have to sell things valuable to me - my books, music collection, beanie babies, and probably even a computer - likely at far less than they're worth, to even keep afloat.

I'm miserable because despite being out of most of our staples, we can't afford to go grocery shopping. There's frozen meat in the freezer, but we have no bread, no cheese, no milk, and only one or two eggs. We're out of pepper and very low on salt. We haven't had any form of fresh produce for over a week now, and there's only about one serving of frozen veggies left. Our canned supplies are rapidly depleting as well - at the moment it's a choice of canned apricots, refried beans, or beetroot. And worst of all, we're out of ice cream.

But mostly I'm feeling absolutely tragic because it's apparent that I'm going to have to bring in an income. And since despite my best efforts, I can't for the life of me find something realistic that I can do at home, I'm going to have to leave my daughter, sooner rather than later. It's this need which has brought to light a greater realisation - how much I truly and deeply abhor the idea of leaving my daughter at all, let-alone with someone outside the family.